Confessions of a Questioning Christian

Posts Tagged ‘bi

This was posted to my personal blog about a year ago.

On Friday I arrived back to school and was surfing Facebook before my first class.  I came upon what is probably no news to most of you: New Jersey Student Suicide.  Then I heard about this: Raymond Chase suicide.  Then I saw this: Ellen Degeneres with An Important Message (you may need to be signed in to Facebook to watch this).

After reading the first article, I was somewhat shook up.  But throughout the weekend, I feel like I’ve become more and more distraught.  Today, after Steven headed off to meet some friends, I began listening to this sermon by someone I highly respect, Josh Miller, of Harvest Vineyard Church in Ames: The Question of Homosexuality. I think Josh makes the point very clear that it’s not anyone’s job to judge – we all fall short [and as Christians, we see the world differently than non-Christians anyway, so judging becomes irrelevant <– my thought].  Our job is to love love love love love.  Love your neighbor, love the Lord.  Period.

These men didn’t feel love.  They probably felt things like scorn, judgement, pain, longing, loneliness, betrayal, embarrassment, neglect, and fear.  We let them down.  We’re letting fellow humans down every day, in every way.  But to the point that strangers across the country are feeling so much animosity for the same thing, whatever it is, that they think the only option is to take themselves out of this world?  Where is the love?

I don’t find myself really crying out of a broken heart that often.  But that’s what I did for a little while today, sitting here alone and feeling so broken over the loss of their lives.  The truth is I try to hold off my true emotions or thoughts on hard subjects by freezing them out.  But this was so much at once.  And it also penetrates to my own questions and my own doubts about what is right or wrong about homosexuality.  I’ll be totally honest: I don’t know.  I know that the bible, which I try to use as a means of finding my way through this life and treating people around me, says that any sexual relationship needs to reflect back on who God is – meaning it should be holy.  Meaning it should be complimentary – which I think most Christians consider one man and one woman.  But the bible, as well as all of us, is marred by historical and cultural implications, and it’s hard to cut through our own modern culture and history, our geographical location in the world, and the same goes for things that are no longer culturally or historically relevant that the writer wrote way back then (i.e. I don’t wear a hat to church and as a woman, I’ve even spoken at church – unbiblical?  What if the relationship is two women, but they are faithful to one another and both love and honor God as any other Christian?  I just want to know – why is that wrong?).  So I can honestly say that I don’t really think homosexuality is always wrong.  Any more than I believe that every heterosexual relationship is right!  Because nobody’s got it figured out.  I think any relationship or action or thought can be wrong.  And I think most things in this world can look wrong, but they aren’t – I don’t know anyone’s heart; I barely understand my own.  Maybe I just don’t want to believe it’s wrong.  Maybe, because I do find woman attractive and I’ve allowed myself to consider what my life would look like if I were to follow that path, I don’t want to think I’m wrong.  And maybe I am right – I know most people who read this will think I’m blasphemous.  Or maybe they’ll think I’m gay (or bi?).  Maybe I am.  I don’t care.  Maybe Jennifer Knapp’s words will put it better than I could.

“I would rather be judged before God as being an honest human being,” she said. “If I am in any way unpleasing in his sight, I can only hope and pray that he gives me the opportunity to find who I am supposed to be.”*

*You can read a great interview with Jennifer Knapp and Christianity Todayhere.